If I was given a diagnosis by a doctor that meant I only had one day to live, what would I do? The answer may seem difficult to come up with, if you have no sense of what is important in life. After all, if you have a strong sense of what really, truly matters then the answer to this hypothetical question is of course:

INVENT A NEW RELIGION

Think about it! On the way out of this existence, you can claim to have been told by God, Buddah, Xenu, Allah or That Guy Who Said You Should Have Tons of Wife So He Could Get Tons of Pussy that there is a new path unto him. You can start dictating new rules of living, and tell everyone that you had get these new instructions on life into the hands of your people before you were called up to Heaven or whatever kick-ass version of it you’d make up…I myself would call it “Boobies Town” and everywhere you went there’d be boobies.

Just picture the satisfaction you’d have in your heart, knowing that as your own cosmically insignificant existence came to an end, you’d be causing hysteria, confusion and delusion among the people you leave behind, the assholes who weren’t given just one more day to live. If you have to go, at least you can make as many people’s lives as possible fucked up on your journey towards the big sleep.

And if you’re going to take my advice, as of course you should, and know you will, then might I also suggest you appoint me as the Chancellor of Bleu Cheese? I just really, really, really, really, really love Bleu Cheese. I love it so much I spell “blue” in French when I talk about it.

My duties as Chancellor would include deciding on a theme for the annual “Bleu Cheese and Group Sex Appreciation Parade.” I’d also be in charge of punishing people who don’t enjoy a good bleu cheese crumble in their cranberry and spinach salads. Oh and everyone would have to show me their butts when they enter a room…everyone.

Not wanting to be incapable of compromise, if you don’t decide to create a new religion and make me the Chancellor of Bleu Cheese (fuck you!), then I have one other suggestion for what you can do with your last day on Earth:

BUY ME A BURRITO