We all need a little help from time to time, especially in the bedroom (where a lot of the fucking happens). Sure, maybe you know how to behave at a laundromat (where even more fucking happens), and maybe you know how to order a sandwich from your local delicatessen (surprisingly not a lot of fucking goes on at the deli, despite the abundance of phallic meats). But we all need help in the bedroom to make sure we say and do the right things.
Well, I should take that back. I don’t need any help. If there’s anything the woman I’ve sexed with could tell you, it’s that I’m really, really good at it. Maybe not at the parts that involve any kind of manipulation of genitalia (Eww!), but I sure do talk a good talk. In fact, I’d say my bedroom talk is so good that that she looked a little disappointed from the sex we had when compared to the sexy talk I was putting down on her.
Okay, so you’re no Cyrano de Bergerac . Luckily for you, I have mad skills in the area of making women moist with anticipation. See? That turn of phrase right there should be more than enough for you. However, since you’re already here and the title of this advice column includes the number “five,” I’ll give you some help.
These are five phrases that you should avoid at all costs when trying to land that sweet, sweet poon (techincal term). These are phrases that mean an immediate “Game Over” if you happen to utter them while pitching that woo. As always, you’re very welcome, Harold.
#5. “Oh man, I wish you could feel how tingly my balls are right now!”
#4. “Is that really the most you can do?”
#3. “I love you.”
#2. “They don’t call it that because you taint supposed to lick it!”
#1. “Oh my god so much semen is going to spew out from the head of my penis when I’m done, which was about thirty seconds ago…seriously you should stop now.”
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