Look, if we’re going to do this thing, you and me, we’re going to have to get to know each other on an uncomfortably personal level. We’re going to have to feel each other’s heat in every imaginable way. We’re going to have to explore each other in ways neither one of us is really okay with.
Shh. Don’t say another word. Let me just get a few bits of knowledge into that head of yours, okay? You need to know some things about me, if we’re going to have this relationship. It’s vital; it’s necessary. Just please, have a seat. Give me your attention.
There are five things that you just absolutely have to know about me, before we get into this.
#1. I have really, incredibly terrible farts early in the morning. We’re talking the kind of farts that could wake the dead while simultaneously killing everyone within a two-mile radius of my asshole. STINKY.
#2. I use the word “Cunt” a lot. Some people say it’s gratuitous. I think they’re just being cunts about it. But since I know there are sensitivities out of my control, I should warn you. Hopefully you’re not a cunt, and it won’t be an issue, Cunt.
#3. I’ll never shave my pubes off. Ever. A man’s pubic bush is his pride, in small curly hair form. Conversely though, I will require you to shave yours off. All of them. In fact, I’ll pay for you to have a Brazilian, if that’s what it takes to make you “Clean Clean.”
#4. I don’t really like the smell of cinnamon. It’s like too cinnamony, if you know what I mean? Like too much cinnamon.
#5. During hockey season, you can pretty much count on being on your own. I’m really a big fan of the Columbus Blue Jackets, and goddamnit I have to see every minute of every game. Don’t be mad, just except it.
So if you think you can be okay with all of these things, I’d be more than happy to be your dentist.
Comments
Powered by Facebook Comments