Like so many men, I’m baffled by the wiles of my wife. I never know when she’s feeling randy, or if I’m better off just taking a Tylenol PM and going to bed. Then one summer in 2009 I decided to do a scientific study.
What I did was I placed 300 tiny cameras in my house so that I’d have footage of my wife from every angle so that I could later track down the tapes recorded the nights of our sexual congress. Then I could study each tape with attention placed on every detail of her body language, speech and so on.
I needed to know how to tell that my wife was needing some kind of sensual release. This was the only way to ensure I wasn’t emabarrassed by making a sexual advance that would only be rebuffed. I have spectacular news to report.
Below are five signs that the lady in your life is ready to have sex (and maybe even with you!). These are all backed up by my scientific method. You’re welcome.
- Swollen glands, resulting in a slightly husky-sounding voice
- Incessant farting, to the point that vomiting nearly occurs.
- Sudden urge to eat taffy.
- An uncontrollable urge to Square Dance
- A massive erection or “boner”
You know what?
Yeah, now that I look at it, this is actually my list of ways that I know I want to have sex. Sorry folks. Carry on.
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