A Connoisseur

I’m a man with refined tastes.

I’m what some might call a connoisseur of sorts, that is if they can pronounce connoisseur. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out how to spell it, and another twenty minutes to figure out it’s proper pronunciation. But now I’m confident it’s pronounced “butthole guy.” So yes, I’m a Butthole Guy of sorts, if you will, for the things in life that make you take a small sip, sit back and go “Ahhhh.”

For instance, I love adding a nicely boiled hot dog to my Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I will not though, add any meats to my Velveeta Shells and Cheese. You see, I’m a connoisseur (Butthole Guy) of pasta and melted cheese.

Therefore, I know the subtle nuances between Kraft and Velveeta. Hot dogs are great additions to Kraft, but would only serve to massively fuck up Velveeta.

I also have a discerning taste for Doritos brand chips. I can tell you from just a whiff of the bag the year of production and what season the chips were produced. Cool Ranch and Extreme Pizza flavors can always be a bit tricky, but for the true Doritos Butthole Guy (connoisseur) they provide the most depth of flavor and carry with them rich rewards for one’s taste buds. I’m actually in talks with some big-wig Hollywood types to do a sort of “Sideways” type film but have it centered around Doritos. Truthfully we’re just going to take “Sideways” and overdub “Doritos” every time someone mentions wine.

More than my love of fine macs and cheeses or Doritos chips, I have an untouchable palette when it comes to soft-core pornography. I can tell you with great certitude that there is not an episode of “Best Sex Ever” or “The Bare-Bitch Project” I haven’t watched on Cinemax or Showtime. I can give you the complete filmography of Angela Nicholas from just my own memory. There’s nothing finer than watching two young adults grind each other’s respective junk into each other with what amounts to just a small patch of a sock between them.

I see soft-core porn going back in vogue soon. The advent of the Internet has made watching anything possible. If you’re into watching to amateur goat farmers fuck a cantaloupe while they sing German renditions of classic 80′s Metal Songs, you can find that. If you’re into old ladies who like to dress up as members of the Lollipop Guild and masturbate onto unsuspecting subway riders in New York, there’s a website for it.

This hyper-exposed world needs a little more imagination and a lot less penetration. It’s time to turn the focus away from the plumbing and more towards the less protruding elements of our bodies, except of course for boobies. Boobies should be much more emphasized in all facets of life. In fact, boobies should be given their own tax-exempt status and handed an American Express Platinum card with which they can purchase their various booby-related paraphernalia.

Butts are second on that list. It goes something like this:

1. Boobies
2. Butts

Luckily, soft-core porn gives us ample boobies and butts, and it does us the favor of carving out all the superfluous hoo-has and slapty-wigglers. Soft-core brings the art back into porn, and forces us to enjoy subtlety and refinement. As a Soft-Core Porn Butthole Guy, this is something I hope we can all find that elusive common ground on.

For more information on Soft-Core Porn, Macaroni and Cheese, or Doritos, please visit my sister site www.softcoremacncheesedoritos.org. Or visit your local library.