We here at the Garbage Chute, and by “we” I mean “me,” are big fans of sexual exploration. If our sex lives were to be compared to famous historical figures, we’d like to be known as the Christopher Columbus of sex, but without all that mean shit he did to the Native Americans. Make love, not war, baby.
“We” also like to consider ourselves the industry leader in the hosting, participation and celebration of Key Parties. No one is better at getting at getting those keys into the fishbowl faster than “we” are. Confused? You won’t be after this Primer on The Succesful Key Party.
Bone Appetite!
“What exactly is a Key Party, after all?”
A Key Party is a magical event where couples come together at a convenient location, preferably someone’s home, or a log cabin in the local mountains, and mutual fornication ensues. It’s also known as “Partner Swapping” or “Swinging.” But those descriptions aren’t nearly as fun as Key Party.
The rules are simple:
- Everyone places their keys into a fish bowl or similar key-holding apparatus.
- Everyone takes turns fishing for a set of keys
- The person whose keys you get is your new sexual partner for the night
- Have some form of sex with your new sex partner
- Bathe in shame and disgust and embarrassment for the next 5 years.
While the rules are indeed simple, but there are so many subtle nuances to a successful Key Party. Below are some friendly tips to help you make your Key Party the best it can be!
Tip #1: Have plenty of ice on hand
Nothing gets the juices flowing like illicit sex with one of your peers’ spouses. To that end, once the juices do indeed start flowing, physical limits will be stretched, and groins, hamstrings, muscles and ligaments will be stretched, bent, pulled and severed. Yes, severed. I don’t know how many Key Parties I’ve been to where someone gets involved in a little knife-sex play. You’ll want to have several large bags of party ice on hand to make cold compresses with.
Tip #2: Provide blindfolds and/or earplugs
Let’s face it. There are some of us who just aren’t “cool” with seeing our spouses or significant others getting totally nailed by somebody with better looking genitalia than our own. So for those Key Party goers that would love nothing more than to experience the action without all the paranoia about their life partner getting boned-down on like they’ve never gotten boned-down on before, the best solution is provide them with sensory depriving paraphernalia. Blindfolds and earplugs will do the trick.
Tip #3: Snacks, Snacks, Snacks!
We’ve all been to parties that sucked. Mostly it’s because the host doesn’t provide sufficient food or drink for the evening’s festivities. Sustenance becomes even more important when the party involves the ol’ “Bump and Grind.” Consider leaving out a bowl of fresh plain yogurt and some Hershey’s Kisses. If money is no object, maybe you could splurge and get a few bags of microwave popcorn and some Diet Mountain Dew.
Tip #4: Don’t ever, ever, ever ask your wife if she “liked” it
You don’t want to know. Chances are she enjoyed sex with your best friend from middle school more than she does sex with you. After all you’re kind of boring and monotonous now, aren’t you? You always start with the boobs and work your way to the butt and then it’s pump, pump, shoot. No romance, no lingering kisses on the thighs. You don’t romance her. And you also don’t wash your balls enough, while we’re on the subject. That’s the main reason she agreed to the Key Party, actually. Your smelly fucking balls. So keep your mouth shut about whether she liked it or not.
Tip #5: Mind your guest list
Don’t invite that one friend of your wife’s that you’ve always wanted to have sex with. It’ll be obvious. Your wife is fifteen times smarter than you are and if you invite Susan Martinez you’re fucked. Susan Martinez is off-fucking-limits, you hear me? As soon as you tell your wife you’re inviting her, she will punch you in the dick and never talk to Susan again. You don’t want that. Stick to inviting friends that you rarely see and won’t mind never seeing again. Believe it or not, it may be hard for you to look them in the eye after you’ve all seen each other’s “O Faces.” On the flip side, best not to invite strangers either.
Tip #6: Moist Towelettes and Lobster Crackers
Pretty self explanatory, don’t you think?
Tip #7: Music Selection
There are really only three acceptable artists to have playing in the background of a Key Party: The Bee Gees, John Denver or Nat King Cole. Anything else is bullshit and should be completely ignored.
Tip #8: Hire a Valet Service
This one almost goes without saying. Your friends will enjoy that little touch of class. For bonus points, pre-tip the drivers so that your guests will be completely relaxed and focused on the SuckFuckFest about to transpire in your living room/your kids’ bedrooms.
Tip #9: Hydrate!
No one needs a cramp when they’re having sex with the girl from Accounting on the 3rd floor. Make sure you supply each party member with at least 3 liters of water and a liter or two of Vodka, Gin or Dark Rum.
Tip #10: Fun Decorations Make All The Difference
Decorating your home or the log cabin for the occasion will prove to your guests that you want this night to be fun and exciting for everyone. Head out to Key Party City and get some fun orgy/Key Party decorations. EXTRA PRO TIP: The off season for Key Parties is the late summer, believe it or not. It’s too hot to orgy in late August.
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