Last year I made some New Year’s Resolutions. Usually I try to avoid them, but I really felt like 2011 was going to be my year to make big changes in my life, all with one goal in mind: improving my quality of life, and the quality of life of all those around me. So here now is an update on my 2011 New Year’s Resolutions.
Resolution #1: “I will stop farting right before I get in the car and then blame it on Global Warming.”
Update: I still totally do this. In fact, I’ve ramped it up quite a bit and now I also like to just shit in my pants and blame it on Global Warming.
Resolution #2: “I will stop pretending to be from Switzerland just so I can tell people, ‘Hey, you can Swiss my ass!’”
Update: I have totally stopped using this classic line and have instead started to pretend I’m from Russia so I can say, “Keep that up and I’ll be Russian…out the door!” Does this subliminally say I need to save up and travel more?
Resolution #3: “I will write a novel about a man, a goat and six pints of urine between them.”
Update: Of course I completed this one. It should be published sometime after I die.
Resolution #4: “Develop a $2000 a day addiction to Hometown Buffet. Check myself into rehab. Wake up on the beach in Florida, furiously masturbating to an episode of ‘How I Met Your Mother.’”
Update: I was able to furiously masturbate to “HIMYM” many, many times in the past year, but alas I just couldn’t bring myself to eat at Hometown Buffet, because that is gross and inappropriate.
Resolution #5: “Find a cure for death.”
Update: Finished this one up months ago. Pretty stoked to be immortal now.
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