This week’s installment of Ask James brings us a strange coincidence. I got two letters from two different people, both in the same marriage, it would appear. I think my answers to their problems really should help them find peace in their home again. I’m not saying I’m a marriage counselor. I’m just saying I’m really, really smart.
Dear James,
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For the two years our love-making has been…well, quite boring actually. When we first started dating, she and I would explore our bodies together with a fervor and curiosity that I cannot describe…other than to say so many loads…so many, many loads.
About two years ago, she got very conservative. She claims it’s because now that we have children in the house, it’s not appropriate to do the things we used to do. She’s even hinted that our nights at the Swingers Clubs may just be over as well.
I’m so confused. Is this something I’ve done? She talks a lot so I tune her out. Is it possible she’s said ssomething that would imply she was unhappy with me? Help me, James. I know your sage advice is really what I need here.
Yours Truly,
Bob Miller
Graham Woods, PA
Dear James,
I love chocolate. But I’m tired of my husband getting me the same old box of chocolate for Valentine’s Day. For fifteen straight years he’s bought me a one pound box of chocolate. I’m not saying I need a diamond ring. I’m just saying something, anything, different would be awesome. How can I drop the hint without hurting his feelings? Help me, please!
Sincerely Yours,
Esther Miller
Graham Woods, PA
Dear Bob and Esther,
I decided that it probably couldn’t do any harm to you two to just post your private, personal emails on my website, without changing your names. Hope you don’t mind? Anyway, I think it’s best for me to address you two together. Clearly there’s some unspoken words in your home, that need to speak themselves in order to get back on the same page. However, in the interest of time, I’ve decided to just fix your problems for you.
I think your problems can be solved with one simple solution:
A strap-on dildo.
Bob, for Valentine’s Day this year buy Esther a strap-on dildo. This is a gift that’s good for both of you. It encourages sexual playfulness and gets you out of your chocolate rut. It’s also the gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving.
You’re Welcome,
James
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