Ask James: The Santa Conundrum

In this week’s installment of Ask James I answer an email from a reader who is wondering when she should tell her child the truth about Santa Clause.

Dear James,

My husband and I are trying to figure out whether or not we should tell our 8 year old daughter the truth about Santa Claus. I personally feel that she can go another year, two at the most. My husband says she’s very observant and she’s probably figured out a bit of herself. I know you have a four year old. When do you plan on telling him? We don’t want to ruin her sense of magic about the Christmas holiday. However, we don’t want to keep her naive to the point that she gets made fun of at school.

Help!

-Susanne in Fork Bend, ID

Susanne -

I think it’s time to tell your daughter. I know she may be shocked at first. But in my opinion the truth just has to be known on this issue. The longer you delay this inevitable revelation, the more damage you may do to her trust in you as parents. At this point it’s safe to assume that the ultimately she will find out, and you have to ask yourself who you’d rather your daughter get the news from: you, or her parents.

So yes, it may pain her. It may make her cry tears of anguish. But for her own good, tell her the truth. It’s time for your daughter to know that Santa Claus is a global drug import and export kingpin. She needs to know that all those shiny toys under the tree for her every year are purchased with blood money. The deaths of untold smugglers and DEA agents hang like a cloud over every happy Christmas morning.

The reason we give Santa milk and cookies is because we parents sneak barbiturates into the milk and cocaine into the cookies to keep Santa wired enough to deliver over six billion toys in one night. She needs to know that the Global Conspiracy to keep the underground drug market running goes all the way from Santa to her parents. One day she’ll need to be brought into the loop anyway, right? So please, by all means tell your sweet angelic daughter that Santa is a dirty, dirty man living in his ice-fortress in the North Pole and that he will murder her if she tries to rise against him.

-James