How many times it acceptable to masturbate during the day? Six? Eight? Fourteen? I’m asking for a friend. See, he gets turned by watching old sitcom opening credits. I’m not sure why this friend is so turned on by sitcom opening credits. Maybe it’s the fact that he thinks Lisa Bonet and Alyssa Milano (when she was around 17 or 18, not younger you sick perverts. My friend is not a grossy-gross) are totally fucking stacked. I don’t know though, because I’m asking for a friend.
Oh, also, is it okay to save the pubic hairs you shave off your pubic area in a Tupperware bowl in your linen closet. I’m again asking for a friend whose wife says that it’s “disgusting” and that she’ll divorce him “in a heartbeat” if he doesn’t stop shaving his pubes and putting them into Tupperware containers in the linen closet. But that’s totally fine, right?
One more question, for a friend, if you don’t mind? Is it okay that my friend has all of the pictures from Vanna White’s May 1987 Playboy pictorial framed and hung up in his nine-year-old’s rumpus room? Sub question, is it okay for my friend to refer to the shed out back on his kid’s rumpus room? Especially if he never bothered to take the oil soaked rags and broken bike chains out of it?
If my friends enjoys being pissed on while watching Major League Soccer games that’s totally fine too right? He’s really curious about this one because it got him kicked out of a local sports bar last week and I really want those fuckers to pay! He does too. My friend. I’m asking for him. Not for me, remember.
While I’ve got you here, can you answer one more question for my friend? Should his urine and feces look and smell like cotton candy? I mean straight-up cotton candy. Blue. Well, baby blue really. Is it medically possible to turn into confections? Should my friend see a doctor or just count his blessings?
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