No. No, I’m not ready for some motherfucking football.
Look, it’s not that I don’t love me some pigskin. It’s just that you kind of caught me off guard. I wasn’t thinking about football at the time. I was just sitting at home, enjoying another amazing episode of “Millionaire Matchmaker” and you came stumbling in, drunk on rye, and screamed in my motherfucking ear, “ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAALLLLLL?!”
How the shit do you expect me to react? You scared me. You scarred me. You can’t just interrupt what someone is doing and scream a question in their face. Trust me, I tried. It’s how I proposed to my wife, “HEY, WANNA FUCKIN’ GET MARRIED, YO?” She was not amused, to say the very least. She said yes, but that’s a story for a different time.
Okay, check it out. I’m not even saying that I won’t be ready for football in five or ten minutes. What I’m saying is that right at the second you burst in through my front door and screamed in my face, I was not interested in football. So, please, just back off and give me some space.
Make yourself a sandwich. I got some cold cuts and a nice pumpernickel in the ice box. If you promise never to do that again, you may have a slice of Swiss cheese and a Fanta as well. Oh, while you’re in the kitchen, can you bring me a can of Easy Cheese and the bag of Oreos? Don’t fucking judge me!
Hey, while we’re on the subject, are you ready for some tennis? I think that one tennis player is going to really do well in that tennis tournament over there in Europe, don’t you?
Fine, you caught me. I don’t know shit about tennis. I was just trying to sound all “jocky” and into sports. I’m not really sure what the rules of football are, actually. I know you’re supposed to score touchdowns, but what’s “Pass Interference?” Also, why do they wear such tight pants? I think I saw number 34′s wiener.
Did you see that study they did in the New England Journal of Health that said that eating two packages of hot dogs a day could help control your Hot-Dog-To-Blood Ratio? Yeah, it was crazy. Apparently the more hot dogs you eat, the better the percentage of Hot Dogs to blood.
Hmm? Oh yeah, sure. You can change the channel now. I guess I’m ready for some football.
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