The Academy Awards are being held this Sunday night. As is my tradition here at the Garbage Chute I will now make some predictions for the night’s events. I’m pretty good at this sort of thing, so don’t be too shocked when all my predictions come true.
- There will be at least one winner for each award category
- At least 99% of the men will wear tuxedos
- There will be several speeches, most of them in a language
- George Clooney will cure cancer
- Santa Claus will ride in on a unicorn
- Anne Hathaway and James Franco will have hardcore sex on the stage (as a bit)
- The Lifetime Acheivement award will be given to someone who has been in the industry for a long time
- People will clap more for popular celebrities who died last year than unpopular ones
- The ghost of Charlton Heston will accept an award and forget to thank his wife
- The show will go over time and someone will comment about it on a blog the next day
- Instead of Oscars, they’ll give out Oscar Meyer hot dogs and I’ll make a penis joke about it the next day
- The losers of the best picutre category will assault the winner and a massive fight will ensue
- Russel Crowe will still be a cock
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