Into the Garbage Chute

The Key to Understanding Life

If you had to choose between a monkey and a microphone which would you choose? I’d probably choose the monkey, but I know I’d probably second-guess my decision as soon as I made it, either way. I mean, a monkey …

When Bashing Southerners is Totally Fine

Over the weekend I tweeted the following:

Dear The South,

Your side didn’t fight for states’ rights. You fought for your states’ rights to own people.

Signed, The Rest of Us

A good friend of mine posted my tweet to …

Top 5 Things I Like Right Now

1. Jelly Beans
2. Carmex
3. The song “Levon” sung by The Smurfs
4. Dances With Wolves in Russian
5. Words that rhyme with “scamp”…

Valentine’s Day: A Day of True Love

It’s Valentine’s Day! The day of the year when we all express our love for our significant others the best way we can: through consumer purchases of high-ticket items. Nothing says I love you like an expensive piece of …

Smart Phones, Not Smart Bombs

As we’re getting word now that Mubarak is stepping down in Egypt, we are seeing Democracy literally born before our eyes. What we’re witnessing in fact, is a triumph of true Democracy. A nation’s people, tired of of the tyranny they’d …

Scientists: Over 700,000 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop

Scientists in Zurich have released the findings of their 38 year long research into exactly how many licks it would take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

The official number is 712,230 licks to get …

Panic Attacks About Dying Part IV

A couple of weeks ago, I started a series of articles on the panic attacks I’ve been experiencing for the last couple of years. You can read the first three installments here. This is the fourth and final installment …

An Open Letter to Deviled-Egg Potato Salad

I have a new mistress. Her name is Deviled-Egg Potato Salad. I wrote a missive to her, below.

Dear Deviled-Egg Potato Salad,

Why? Why are you so simultaneously beguiling and gas-inducing? On the one hand I enjoy your creamy-eggy-mustardy goodness. …

A Thank You…

…to everyone who’s stopped by to look at my silly little “Where is Padme?” video. A special big thanks to Mr. Simon Pegg for tweeting it to his 800,000+ followers on Twitter. I’m blown away by the response it’s gotten…and …