Planning Ahead: Words and Phrases That Will Be Big in 2012

I’m a writer. I write. Therefore if there’s anything I’m going to be inherently better at than probably 99% of you reading this it’s knowing about words and phrases. Language is my life’s work, it’s the apple in my eye, the corn on my cob, the cum in my balls, if you will. And you will. I know you will.

So I figured I’d do you all a huge solid and give you the words and phrases that I predict will become a major part of our collective lexicon and consciousness in 2012. These are next year’s “Jersey Shore,” “Megan Fox,” “D’oh,” or “masturbation”; all phrases that really took off in recent years. You’ll thank me next year when someone describes their new car as “TittyBallBadass” and you’re not totally confused as to what in the fuck they mean.

1. “TittyBallBadAss” - This one’s a no brainer. It’s a combination of the most powerful objects in the known universe: Tits and Balls. It’ll be used to describe anything that is so awesome it stands in a league of it’s own. “Man, I just saw the new Avengers movie and it is TittyBallBadAss!”
2. “ShiaLaBeouf” - In 2012, the Transformers actor’s name will become a synonym for a wet fart that likely sprays a tiny bit of fecal matter into your undergarments. “Dude, I can’t eat Taco Bell anymore. Every time I have an Enchirito, I totally ShiaLaBeouf!”
3. “Cuddlefuck” - This one really doesn’t need an explanation, but I will anyway. It’s what happens when you fall asleep next to your sexual partner and you’re cuddling or “spooning.” The next thing you know, you two are having sleepily consensual sex that will not result in mutual orgasm. “Is it me, or did you cuddlefuck me last night? I found my under garments and sleeping pantaloons on the dresser.”
4. “Crampy Butt” - No hidden meaning here. The advent of the new exercise fad where you try and pick up objects like pens, pencils, books, cookies, dildos, led weights, magnets, and iPhones with your butt will result in many suffering from 2012′s version of “Carpal Tunnel Syndrome,” known simply as Crampy Butt. “I went to the gym every day this week, and I wound up with Crampy Butt!”
5. “Diarrhea” - Here’s the thing; I know that “diarrhea” is already a pretty popular word. But in 2012, the word will take on a new meaning, one that doesn’t just mean hot, liquid piss flowing from your asshole. “Diarrhea” in 2012 will also come to mean hope, unity and prosperity. “If we ever want to collectively have diarrhea again, we must elect Mitt Romney!”