Rico Chico was a man no one fucked with. He was what some might call “rootin’ tootin’” or others might call him “dangerously edgy and cool.” Others just called him Fred, because after all, that was Rico Chico’s given name, Fred Shindleberg.
Rico Chico didn’t act like a Fred Shindleberg though, at least not outside of his job at the FedEx/Kinko’s. He worked at Monday through Wednesday, making copies and taking FedEx orders. His co-workers thought of Rico Chico as a nice young man who always had a great smelling cologne.
Rico Chico was also a full time student at Fall View Community College, studying child psychology. He was only six credits shy of his A.A., and that just made him that much more bad-ass.
When he wasn’t in school, or working at the FedEx/Kinko’s though, Rico Chico was one tough son of a bitch…on the Internet. Oh, offline most people still just called him Fred, but in chat rooms and on message boards across the World Wide Web, Rico Chico was feared.
He’d tear apart “n00bs” with reckless abandon. He’d argue with the forum moderators and administrators, swearing and promising to “put caps in any bitch who steps.” When people would talk shit on Rico Chico he’d just tell them to “hop off Chico’s Deeko!” (we think he was making a reference to his penis being the “deeko”, like as in “dick-o.”
Rico Chico was a full-fledged Internet Awesome Guy. He couldn’t even count how many of his posts had been “liked” and his Facebook page was littered with people posting “you rule” comments on his wall. Everyone assumed he must get all kinds of pussy in real life, because he was just so awesome on the Internet.
Fred was a 28 year old virgin. Sure, Rico Chico had electronically seduced all manner if girls. He had a folder on his hard drive called “Slash ‘N’ Gash” that had nothing but titty and muff shots of the sexy ladies he’d chatted and awesome cyber-sex with over the years. Fred Shindleberg though, never could quite get up the gumption to look at a female in the eyes, let alone talk to them.
Yes, Rico Chico was indeed the cock of the walk. He had everything he could ever need on the Internet. Then one day he got laid off from FedEx/Kinko’s and he couldn’t pay his tuition to Fall View Community College. He couldn’t keep up with his bills and then one day the unthinkable happened. He lost his internet service.
Fred Shindleberg moved to a small city outside of Winnipeg. He was caught masturbating into a cup at a local coffee house and was arrested for indecent exposure. He was fined several hundred dollars (which he couldn’t pay), and was forced to do community service.
He was assigned trash duty. In a fit of cruel irony, his route assignment had him sweeping up and picking up trash in front of an Internet cafe. He peaked inside, staring at the patrons who were surfing the web, downloading music and chatting on the same message boards he loved to be on.
He backed away from the window slowly, and he stepped right into the path of a woman who was actually headed into the Internet cafe herself. He stared deep into her eyes, right into her soul as he helped her collect her bag and its contents that had spilled out. His heart started fluttering, as she swooped up her belongings. He could feel his pulse quicken as she opened her mouth to talk.
This was it! All of the bad things that had happened to Rico Chico weren’t karma for being such a dick to everyone on the Internet after all! This fine woman was falling in love with him, and he with her! This was definitely it!
“Hey fucker, watch where you’re going! You could’ve seriously hurt me!”
As she opened the door to the cafe, his heart sank. But then she turned back around. Wait! Maybe!
“Dick.”
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