There’s a Time and Place…

I should probably apologize to a few people here in attendance tonight.

For starters, the wait staff. It’s not your fault that I have extremely acute Irritable Bowel Syndrome. How could you possibly know that even a quarter of a teaspoon too much chili powder and I’d be urinating from the wrong side for a week straight? Also, I probably should not have ordered the super spicy buffalo wings and then poured Tabasco sauce and Horseradish on top of them.

Next, I should apologize to whomever was in the bar area when I shouted, “You dumb cunts!” at the TVs. I realize that not everyone is as passionate about baseball as I am. It’s just how could Rodriguez miss that catch? It was right there in his fucking glove! All he’d have to do was close it! But no, he fucking dropped the goddamned ball, like a cunt. Hence me calling him a cunt. And I do so apologize to the folks in the bar who had to hear me use the “cunt” repeatedly.

Oh, while I’m handing out apologies, I should probably say something to Susie Mund. I got her pregnant when I was like 19 or 20 (I say “like 19 or 20″ because I was doing a lot of drugs back then and I really don’t remember the late 90′s at all). She and I decided to “go the other way” with it.

Then I moved about 150 miles away and I never called her again. This was before cell phones though, in all fairness, and pay phone calls are fucking expensive. So Susie, yeah, really sorry about that one. Hopefully it all worked out. If not, by my math our son or daughter would be 18 though and I’m pretty sure that means you can’t hit me with child support payments.  Don’t quote me on that. In fact, let’s just not even think about child support. Water under the bridge, right Susie?

Yes, and also I think it’s only fair for me to say sorry to my current girlfriend Beth for having to hear me publicly apologize to a woman I inseminated many years ago. I’m sure that was tough for you Beth, and I really do apologize from the bottom of my heart. I will try to never let that kind of thing happen again.

While we’re on the subject of Beth, I’d also like to take this opportunity to say sorry to her for that thing I did the other night. Thinking about it now, you’re totally right. I should have asked before I invited my softball team over to watch us fuck. And I really should be grateful that you blew me instead. I know at the time I was really upset that we didn’t go all the way, but in light of the circumstances, you putting your mouth on my penis in a sexual way should have been ample for both me and my softball team.

I’ll also just go ahead and thank Beth for blowing me the other night, while I’m at it. You know, birds and stones and such. So thanks Beth for the blow job. Seriously, good work. Proud of you.

So with all that being said, thanks so much for your time and dedication to the campaign. I couldn’t have done it better myself, and I really look forward to being your next City Council Member! I sense good things are coming our way, and I aim to take a lot of credit for them, as well as anything else that happens to go even remotely right for us during my term.

See you all on Monday!